I am a Failure….. A wild stream of consciousness my mind to the page

They say, who is this they,but that is for another blog. They say that you have to be careful using I am statements as it is a creative statement, and what ever follows is the reality I am chosing to create in my life,but on the other Hand the I am statement can also be  an assessment of where you currently are. You have to know who and where you are, if you want to make change in my opinion. Therefore if your I am statement is negative, it may not be you creating a negative situation,but more a recognition of who you are. So that if you are not happy with where you are, then you can make the changes necessary to get to where you want to be.

I am a failure, I’ve had the great sense of foreboding and I knew change was coming, I guess I should have reacted sooner, but as a failure that wasnt’ an option. Just to be clear, I am a failure on many levels, I fail at being a husband, a father, a priesthood holder, a clerk, a home teacher, just about every aspect of my life I fail in. Now being a failure, isn’t a bad thing they say, as we learn from are mistakes and we get better, for the experience. I my case though I think the failure is creating negativity, as I fail more often than succeed, and I don’t really seem to learn from my mistakes.

My Personal motto is hope for the best prepare for the worst and deal with what comes,but the problem is while it may be my motto, I dont’ follow it or act upon it as well as I should. I realize I am selfish, but I was looking for a bit of happiness in this life, and while I have moments of joy and also moments of great blessing where the gratitude of my heart brings me to tear, I have realized taking stock of my life, that the joy, and happiness are not a much of my life as I would like, and now several of the things I took joy in, are now going to be denied me both in this life and the next.

But enough of this whiney boy crying, I am a Man of a different age, and I understand all the whining and crying and saying pity me I am broken, will amount to nought if there is no change and so change has been thrust into my life and Change there will be.

the Beatles seem to have summed it up best:

Out of college, money spent
See no future, pay no rent
All the money’s gone, nowhere to go
Any jobber got the sack
Monday morning, turning back
Yellow lorry slow, nowhere to go
But oh, that magic feeling, nowhere to go
Oh, that magic feeling, nowhere to go
Nowhere to go

One sweet dream
Pick up the bags and get in the limousine
Soon we’ll be away from here
Step on the gas and wipe that tear away

And this is where I find myself except that instead of pursuing my dreams it seems I shall have to pursue a different reality, A new one of my own creation, then perhaps some day the dream will come back and so with te joy and love.

I am not the man I thought I would be

I am not the father I thought I would be

I am not the husband I thought I would be

I am not the priesthood holder I thought I would be

But I am who I am and I shall survive as long as I know how to love I know I’ll stay alive, oops sorry.

I am not a finished product, so there is hope, there is always hope whether it is realistic of not, is a different issue. I am Much like Scrooge  upon waking up Christmas day and see that I have a chance for change and to be the Man, father, husband, and priesthood holder I know I am meant to be.

ANd so I guess I shall end his insane bit of rambling, but at least I feel  a bit at peace.

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